I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
COCAINE IS GR8
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
