I feel great
I just peed on a car
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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