I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
