the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
