i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
