So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
