the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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