Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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