We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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