just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
