Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
