She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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