I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
