dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
