I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
