is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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