even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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