what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
