a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
