1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
