Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
