you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
