They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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