I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
