I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
