Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i think my cat just said my name.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
