I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
