omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
