anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
is it fun? or sober?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
