Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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