I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
