so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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