So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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