I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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