Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
