??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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