well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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