i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm at about main and main street
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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