You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
A+ Viking dick
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
