i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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