You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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