he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
