I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
