She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
