That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
