I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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