the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
