and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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