Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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