Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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