Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i dont even know how to be here
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
