WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
