I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
