How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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