Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
