Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
