I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
