i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
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I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
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you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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